Fanfiction Lounge: Harry Potter
by Taya
Summary: Welcome to the fanfiction lounge, where characters rest up between fanfics, and insanity lives on... 3 of ?
1. Severus and Minerva, Sitting In A Tree

AN: This idea has been done for several fandoms so far, but I'm unaware of anything for HP as of yet, so let me take a shot at it...I don't know if it has quite the same effect seeing as how the series hasn't yet been concluded, but I think it'll be alright, at the very least.  
  
FANFICTION LOUNGE, HARRY POTTER  
  
The scene opens in a large room, just a bit smaller than the Great Hall. There is an opening in the wall at the far end, obviously through which food and other random things can be passed, as one would find in a cafeteria. Through the opening can be seen various cooking apparatus, stoves, ovens, sinks, etc. On the wall of the giant room hangs an old banner, faded from years of use. "ROWLING CHARACTERS' UNION: Hogwarts Chapter, Harry Potter," reads the banner in loud letters. Various chairs and couches are scattered strategically around the room, with small coffee tables placed by them, some with abandoned games of exploding snap set up, some with games of Wizard's Chess left not-quite-finished.  
  
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are the first to enter, looking around the deserted room curiously. "I wonder where Hermione is?" Ron mused quietly. "Have you seen her?"  
  
"About six hours ago," Harry replied. "She's on Time Turner duty. Again."  
  
"I dunno...We had an NC-17 lined up before that. Various little things, you know?"  
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh, I know."  
  
Hermione Granger chose that moment to stumble in through the doors, her body phasing dangerously in and out of existence, like a cloud fading from view. Her body looked weak, with various scratches and bruises all over. "Hey, guys. Any tea around here?" she asked brightly, seemingly unalarmed by her state of existence.  
  
The doors burst open behind her and a much younger set of the Marauders - James, Sirius, Remus and Peter, as well as Lily, rushed in behind her. Remus and Sirius seemed to be going through the same phasing, just to a different degree.  
  
"Um...In the back?" Harry answered her uncertainly, looking around at the new inhabitants of the room. "Are you alright?"  
  
"What?" Hermione looked absently at him, then glanced down at herself. "Oh. That. Obviously you haven't seen me after my Time Turner incidents. Remus and I - and Sirius and all the rest of them - were just in some very twisted past. I'll be like this for a bit. Ron, would you mind terribly helping me with the tea? I'm not sure that I'm solid enough quite yet but I could really use some."  
  
It was then that Severus Snape chose to make his entrance, holding a giant leatherbound green volume with golden edges. "Are you getting tea?" he asked, none of his usual scariness apparent.  
  
Ron looked slightly terrified nonetheless, and Hermione smiled, tilting her head to one side. "Would you like some, Severus?"  
  
"Please."  
  
Eyes widening, Ron now reddened as he pulled Hermione into the back, no doubt to demand to know about this new first-name-basis Hermione seemed to be on and if she was in her right mind.  
  
"Hey, watch it!" Hermione could be heard exclaiming, "you wouldn't want to..."  
  
A loud thud resounded from the back and then a sigh, followed closely by Hermione's voice again: "I told you so. I'm in no state for you to be dragging me about right now, Ron. You're GOING to get hurt, if you aren't already."  
  
"What? Someone hurt?" Poppy Pomfrey had slipped in as well, heading to the back. "Is it Mr. Weasley again? I don't know how many times he and Mr. Potter have been in the Hospital Wing this week. It's getting ridiculous." She shot an irritated glance at Severus as she bustled to the back. "And the same goes for you and Miss Granger. It's insane, really. You have to take better care of yourselves!"  
  
"We've only been in the Hospital Wing once this week," protested Severus weakly. Pomfrey's eyebrow raised and she conceded.  
  
"Alright, but that's just this week. How many times did I see you the week before, hmm?"  
  
He looked away, and Harry's eyes widened with amazement. Poppy clucked and hurried into the back, with one last shake of her head at Severus.  
  
Suddenly, Minerva McGonagall rushed in, the door slamming behind her and nearly breaking Albus Dumbledore's spectacles. She stomped into the kitchen, and Albus came in with a wary glance around. "Is it safe?"  
  
"Yes, she's in the back," offered Lily kindly. "What happened?"  
  
Albus winced. "I'm afraid that some crazy author got it into their head to write a fanfiction with the most ghastly pairings. I got Sybil," he frowned. "It was a match that, shall we say, was not exactly written in the stars. Minerva was upset for this entire past shift. It was terrible."  
  
"Say," said Sirius, suddenly interested, "who DID she get?" As sort of an afterthought, he added, "I popped in at the end with Ron, Harry and Hermione."  
  
"Minerva was, most unfortunately I can assure you, paired up with me."  
  
Lily's eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands. James started snorting, and Sirius tried valiantly to hold in his laughter. It came out as sort of a half-cough, half-laugh, until he started simply laughing. His howls rang through the hall, and tears were streaming down his cheeks as he doubled over, stumbling over to a couch.  
  
"There, there, it's not really so funny," Lily said, following James, who followed Sirius to sit on the couch. "It must have been terrible." She looked with sympathy at Severus, then at Albus. Remus simply buried his face in his hands, and Sirius suddenly looked up.  
  
"Say, Remus," he said, his newfound tendency to begin everything with the word "say" manifesting itself, "who did YOU get?"  
  
Remus closed his eyes and Harry moved over to him, patting him on the back. "I'm afraid that Remus got...uh..." he paused, looking at the former DADA professor. "D'you want me to tell? Or d'you want to?"  
  
Remus just shook his head and waved for Harry to continue.  
  
"Remus was paired with Lockhart," blurted Harry, and Hermione and Ron, having finished getting the tea, came out at that very opportune moment.  
  
"Oh, are you talking about THAT fanfic?" Hermione asked, no longer phasing in and out of existence but now with a height that fluctuated madly. She moved to Snape, handing him his tea, and saying something sotto voce to him, then giving him a small nod. He looked pained.  
  
"I believe," he said stiffly, "that Miss Granger and I must depart for a short one-shot." He dropped the volume he'd been holding onto a coffee table with a thud, and gulped down his tea.  
  
Hermione looked down. "Oh, the WIKTT Archives!" she squealed excitedly. "I've been looking for my copy for simply AGES! It should be in here." As she knelt by the table to search the pages, Ron looked surprised.  
  
"They actually let you keep those? They must be worth a fortune!"  
  
"Most expensive prop that fanfic has ever used," Hermione said proudly. "I read it in Hogwarts, A..."  
  
"History?" Ron rolled his eyes.  
  
"FANFICTION History," Hermione corrected him snippishly. "Have you read it yet?"  
  
"Of course not!" chorused Ron, Harry and Sirius all at once.  
  
"I could have told you that," said Severus, trying to read over Hermione's shoulder as she leafed through the thick book.  
  
"Here it is," said Hermione. "It's our one-shot." She heaved it up and passed it to him, pointing. "See? It's really short."  
  
"Another married-with-children?" Severus moaned and closed the book with a loud thwap, getting up and storming out of the room, robes billowing more dramatically than usual.  
  
"You know, sometimes I really do wonder if he controls how much his robes billow..." Ron mused, as Hermione smiled indulgently.  
  
"The WIKTTeers have been quite active recently," she said, and hurried after the Potions Master. "We should be back within the hour." 


	2. Huffnelpoof Boyfriends

AN: First things first, I'm sorry I haven't updated this sooner, I really meant to.  
  
LoonyLoopyLisa: Thank you so much, that's such a great compliment for me...It's things like that I live for.  
  
Alexia: Thank you.  
  
Emerald Jade2: I always wondered, too, and after seeing one done for a different fandom I read, I decided to give it a shot.  
  
IceDragon'08: From what I understand, they aren't very common at all.  
  
orligurl88: That is a really great idea...I should try it, once I finish with the current story arc...I'd say that it will probably come up in a chapter or two. In fact, let's stick the 'seeds of discord' in here...one point to your House if you can find it, because I daresay it's not that hard!  
  
Mystical Witch: I didn't expect for anyone to pick up on that, but there are a lot of characters I haven't brought in yet...Draco's one of them, but just you wait...and Cho, have I got plans for her... *sniggers madly* (I hate Cho, just for everyone's reference...)  
  
Winter Solstice1: Thank you so much! I love your work and for you to be reading - reviewing - and above all, complimenting my work, like that, makes me happy beyond belief!  
  
Electryone: You're another author who I admire greatly...your compliment means a lot to me. And Remus and Lockhart, yes, it's actually a fanfic, which I ought to credit the author for...It's full of odd pairings, Minerva and Severus one of them also, it's actually got the potential to be quite disturbing if you look at it in the wrong way; it's called 'Behind Closed Doors', by Veresna Ussep and it's on FFN.  
  
Lina Shay: Yup, leading to a second chapter...and here it is!  
  
FANFICTION LOUNGE, HARRY POTTER  
  
"To properly counteract the effects of the boomslang skin, you NEED to add centaur hoof clippings!" Hermione insisted, bursting into the large hall.  
  
Two little girls hung off of her neck, and she was nearly bent all the way over with their weight.  
  
"Who are THEY?" Ron gasped. "Don't tell me...they're your kids?" he asked in horror, and Hermione rolled her eyes at him.  
  
"A tragic mistake, I assure you," Severus said drily, following her in. "The little animals destroyed half my storeroom!"  
  
"Come on, Severus, you're not still sore about THAT, are you?" Hermione asked with a sigh. "Really, you've only got three hundred other storerooms lined up in all the other fanfics."  
  
"THIS one had dragon's scale in it!" whined the Potions Master. "Thirteen different varieties!"  
  
"Honestly, Snivellus," interjected Black, "you're filthy rich in half your fics, go steal some galleons!"  
  
"Heaven knows we could all use some, especially with the wages they're paying us," Minerva agreed with a small 'humph'.  
  
Severus, however, was not paying attention to the Deputy Headmistress. "Anyway, if you added centaur hoof clippings, you would need fish-eye as well," he asserted.  
  
"Fish-eye? Eewww!" one of the little girls around Hermione's neck announced loudly, and Poppy Pomfrey was suddenly in existence once more as she ran to them to coo over them and make little faces at them.  
  
Their father sighed exasperatedly. "I need to renegotiate the terms of my contract!" he announced. "What happened to the no-Snape-children clause?"  
  
Hermione sniffed, offended. "Why d'you think I'm unmarried?" she glared at him.  
  
"Come, come, love, it's not that bad. Surely you could think of better candidates for your husband than that greasy git!" Ron said, approaching her and circling her shoulders with his right arm.  
  
"Hi Uncle Ron!" the girl (the one not currently getting her cheeks pinched by Poppy, that is) pulled her hand back sharply, letting go of Hermione's neck and setting her mother slighly off balance as she did so. Her grubby little hand smacked Poppy in the face, then whipped forward quickly and slapped 'Uncle Ron' across the face.  
  
"You were right, Mummy!" she exclaimed. "That WAS fun! Can I do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the girl pulled her arm back again (smacking Poppy again) and slapped 'Uncle Ron' again.  
  
"No, Alice!" Hermione shrieked, apologising profusely to Ron as she lightly tapped the girl on the hand to reprimand her. "You are not to slap your Uncle Ron!"  
  
Severus simply looked on in undisguised pleasure.  
  
"Thank you, Alice," he said smoothly, ignoring Hermione's glare, which had intensified to a full-on, Level-16 Death Glare (TM). "I have wanted to do that to Mr. Weasley for a long time."  
  
"You're welcome, Daddy. It's fun! Wanna try?"  
  
"Alice!"  
  
"I would, but your mother would never forgive me."  
  
"I would, but it would take veery good behaviour," Hermione replied coyly, as Ron keeled over gagging just as Alice's hand was about to make contact with his cheek for the third time.  
  
"Sorry, Daddy, I missed!" Alice exclaimed. "The nice lady said that it's time to go bye-bye," she added. "But she says she's planning a snee-kel."  
  
"A WHAT?"  
  
"A...A snee-kel," said Alice carefully. "With my first...bye-fren-ed."  
  
"A snee-kel with your first bye-fren-ed?" Severus repeated.  
  
"She says he's going to be a Huff-nel-poof!" Alice bounced happily, causing Hermione to choke every time Alice pulled down. "What's a Huff-nel-poof, Daddy?"  
  
"I...uh..."  
  
Ron, surprisingly, was the first to get it.  
  
"A Hufflepuff!" he started to laugh uncontrollably, hanging onto Harry.  
  
Albus, too, began to chuckle. "A Hufflepuff boyfriend...how fitting," he said, amused, his blue eyes on their Full Twinkle (c) setting.  
  
Severus collapsed into catatonia on the floor, muttering, "daughter...Hufflepuff...boyfriend" over and over again, like a mantra. But slightly less comforting.  
  
"She says she's going to Sort me into Huff-nel-poof, too," added Alice cheerfully.  
  
Severus came to just long enough to glare at Hermione, as if it was her fault, and faint again.  
  
"She says it's going to be your fault. She says, your jeans, your fault. Daddy, what do your pants have to do with Huff-nel-poof?"  
  
He bolted straight upright and jumped to his feet, beginning to pace the room, stopping only long enough to occasionally hit his head against something. Hard. After a few moments, a large ditch appeared in the floor and he looked around in desperation. "My life is over!"  
  
Suddenly, the little children around Hermione's neck popped out of existence and she flew backwards towards the wall, before six wands were drawn, and six different levitating, cushioning and freezing spells were hurled at her.  
  
As a result, Hermione's cheeks got pinched and arms pinned to her sides, the experience of her being squished from all sides due to a rather enthusiastic cushioning charm, her lips turned blue due to a freezing charm with a bit too much power behind it, and her head bumped the ceiling violently due to three levitation charms.  
  
"Sorry, 'Mione," came about four different voices, as she landed on the ground, shivering and rubbing her head.  
  
"That's it," she mumbled. "I'm going to go pull this week's fic listings." She headed up previously unnoticed stairs and disappeared, just as a large fight erupted.  
  
"Not my fault!" Ron shouted. "I don't have that sort of power!"  
  
"I would never lose control of my magic like that," Albus contributed.  
  
"Foolish wand-waving," muttered Severus, pacing the room, the ditch growing larger with each passing moment.  
  
"My magic's supposed to be good, not evil!" Harry complained loudly.  
  
"My boy would never hurt his girlfriend like that!" James asserted, just as loudly.  
  
"POTTER'S girlfriend?" Severus exploded.  
  
"Really, don't you READ the Daily Prophet?" Rita Skeeter demanded, entering with her Dict-O-Quill at the ready.  
  
"Remember what happened last time-" Ron warned her.  
  
"I didn't think I was that strong," Lily said quietly, just as Sirius clapped her on the back enthusiastically.  
  
"Way to go, Evans!" he exclaimed, just as Minerva scratched her head thoughtfully.  
  
"You think Miss Granger lost enough braincells to go for Mr. Black?" she inquired of Dumbledore and Lockhart, who was eager to flaunt off his newly acquired skill of Apparition and had popped into the middle of the argument.  
  
"Dunno... I'm sure she's retained enough to still appreciate my charm and obvious glamour," Lockhart smiled and turned his head proudly to the side, looking off into the distance as he entertained grandiose and totally false imaninings of his and Hermione's life together.  
  
"I'd bet six bags of lemon drops she has," said Dumbledore.  
  
"You're on!"  
  
Meanwhile, Lupin wondered if Dumbledore had some sort of control for his Twink-Level (TM), and if so, was his TwinKKontroller (c) going into overdrive?  
  
And if it was, then would Dumbledore's twinkly blue eyes explode?  
  
Lupin rather hoped they wouldn't. He liked the Headmaster's sparkly eyes. 


	3. Blaise: Girl, Boy or Gnome?

Thanks to all of my reviewers, I couldn't do it without you.  
  
Dimgwrthien: Thanks.  
  
Emerald Jade2: Well, what d'you think this is? :)  
  
Serpent of Light: Yes, that's sort of what I was aiming for. Teehee.  
  
orligurl88: Confusing? Well, I suppose I can see it, yes...  
  
GaeaMalfoy: No, I don't remember you...Just kidding, of course. How could I forget? (Just think...Voldy/Duddy slash...*muah*) Reading Roman Holiday? Good girl. ^___~ Hope Life's treating you well, drop me a line if you feel like talking...There was some other whacked-out pairing I wanted to intro you to, but damned if I can remember it right now...if I think of it I'll e-mail you (no doubt at three in the morning when I suddenly wake up and go, "that's it!!").  
  
Electryone: Thank you again for your reviews - reviews from the authors I admire and read quite a lot really cheer me up. ^_^  
  
And onto the story...  
  
FANFICTION LOUNGE, HARRY POTTER  
  
"Not AGAIN!" screamed Draco, as he shoved the door open with all his might. It swung back viciously and slammed into the wall, then bounced back and hit him in the face. "I'm supposed to make INTIMIDATING entrances, not get giant slabs of wood we call doors swung back into my-bloody-face!"  
  
He dragged his feet as everyone's attention was diverted from their argument to him. "What?" he demanded, annoyed.  
  
Harry's eyebrows lifted and his eyes slowly, meaningfully, lingered first on Draco's face and then made their way down to his feet, hastily skipping over certain places in between.  
  
"It's not as if it doesn't happen every week!" Draco fumed, casting a 'weightlessness charm' on Lucius and Voldemort, who were both hanging onto his left and right ankles, respectively, and kicked at the back wall. They went flying off, along with Draco's shoes, and smacked noisily against the old whitewashed wall. The large banner proclaiming, "ROWLING CHARACTERS' UNION: Hogwarts Chapter, Harry Potter", rips from its ancient sticking spell and falls off the wall to land atop Draco's shoes, father and 'Master'.  
  
"Pity," said James dispassionately, shooting a glance at Draco. "We know how you loved those shoes."  
  
"Yes, well, I had to buy a new pair anyway, the left one has a scratch on it and the right one was the one Voldemort was spit-shining."  
  
"WHO was spit-shining WHAT?" Ginny Weasley asked curiously, making her own entrance quietly and waving a wand at the back, summoning a small snack for her and Neville, who was two steps behind her and looking much older and much more mature.  
  
Draco rolled his eyes. "It's called sarcasm, wench."  
  
"HEY!" bellowed Ron, and Draco just shrugged.  
  
It was then that Blaise Zabini made an entrance. "I'm getting tired of being a s/he/it!" s/he fumed. "It's not fair! I'm going on strike until Rowling decides to give me a gender!"  
  
Everything stopped dead and only crickets chirped in the background. They wondered if s/he could really address their great Maker as simply 'Rowling' and with such disrespect.  
  
The lights dimmed and a loud, booming female voice said, "Such disrespect, Zabini! So you want to know the truth? You're an ALIEN!"  
  
And then the effect was ruined by the voice's laughter at Zabini's look of horror.  
  
"Yes! That's the truth!" laughed the voice wickedly.  
  
"No! No! Say it isn't true!"  
  
"No? Then, would you rather be a...gnome??" the voice laughed again and suddenly in Blaise's place stood a gnome.  
  
It squealed with displeasure and Ron sighed. "I'll bet that this is Fred and George's doing."  
  
"And I like Blaise!" Harry added.  
  
The voice sighed. "Oh, alright..."  
  
And Blaise turned back into Blaise...but still sans a gender.  
  
"You're not J.K. Rowling!!" Blaise accused, and the voice laughed once more as the lights came on again to reveal a Muggle device in the centre of the room, set up on a table, projecting something not-so-Muggle onto one of the other walls.  
  
"Brought to you by the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes," read Harry aloud, just as the words changed and twisted into the faces of Fred and George.  
  
"Gred and Forge Weasley, Founders. Harry Potter, Co-Founder and Generous Patron," he continued, his voice trailing off as he got to the end.  
  
"So," said Molly, rising from a chair, having slipped in sometime during the complete mayhem. "YOU'RE the one responsible for their new funds. Harry, I am ashamed of you!" she exclaimed, just as everyone else who had ever tested a "wheeze" for Fred and/or George, whether willingly or unwillingly, turned towards Harry with a murderous look in their eyes.  
  
They broke into a run around the massive hall, chasing Harry.  
  
"You can't do this!" he screamed at them. "I have to live to defeat Voldemort!"  
  
"No, you don't!"  
  
Voldemort slowly sat up underneath the banner and looked around, bewildered, at the people sprinting around the room.  
  
He stuck his thumb into his mouth and began to suck on it.  
  
"I want my Mommy." 


End file.
